The constant struggle to walk your path avoiding the rat race is a vacuum of sheer pain and relief. The pain of thousand voices telling you it's wrong, you are living in misery. You're being the Kafka of your own self doubt in the dominance of your powerful father. It's daunting.

You're living in fear everyday. It's intensified. But you understand it's relieving. The relief of being in your own reality and to still push yourself to be in it and to be true to yourself, to your purpose, is profound.

Because you realise you are beyond. Beyond than this rat race. Because you are you. You understand your purpose. But still, It's a constant struggle. It's a loop of pain and relief. Because you still understand that you are a part of this world.

You live in the absolute reality of the world. Atleast you try. It's a constant realisation of why? But it's hurting you too.

It's a loop, A loop of disoriented mind being oriented. It's an experience of paradox

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You feel this sedation of being in a constant paradox. The sedation of being in a constant loop. But it's this and you know it. You make peace and move on, or at least you try. At least you are trying.

Because what your purpose is what matters, and eventually you understand that. Even if you understood this before, you remind yourself that. You're trying to constantly realise that. You understand it's more difficult to be in it.

But you understand it was your own choice. You understand you're accountable. But you still realise it's a vacuum of pain and you live in it everyday. But you also realise it's a vacuum of freedom and you live in that too.

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Both goes hand in hand. Both conceive the loop and you live in the loop. You hate it. You have always hated it. But you know it, now you understand it. You chose it. Even with the hate and rage, you try to understand and eventually see that loops can be beautiful too and you understand that, or even if you don't, you try. You're trying, like always.

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